Bilal Assad – Healthy Family Dynamics – Sheikh Belal Assaad – Winter Conference
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the importance of healthy family dynamics and acceptance in building successful relationships. They emphasize the need for acceptance and love for each other, and the importance of role models and learning from mistakes. The speakers also stress the importance of privacy and boundaries in establishing healthy relationships, and encourage parents to role model and allow their children apologize to their parents. They stress the need for privacy and boundaries in order to establish healthy relationships.
AI: Summary ©
Thank you, salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.
Last year, just when I came here last
year, they did a little clip to show
how all this event went and I took
it back to Australia and I showed it
to our students and I saw this really
cute girl with her father and they asked
her, so what was your favorite part of
this whole tour and she goes seeing Mufti
Menk.
She put on the legs and how cute.
Yeah, we kind of got jealous because she
said Mufti Menk, you know.
Brothers and sisters, so as brother Akhir Ayman
asked you to do, just stretch your neck,
stretch your back, move your necks like this
a little bit.
You're moving it?
A bit more, more passion, more energy, more
passion.
Can you hear me very well?
Can you put your hand up?
You can hear me very well?
Because there's a lot of reverb here, so
I can't hear myself well.
Before I begin my topic, I'll tell you
what my topic is.
My topic is about how to establish a
healthy family dynamics.
I'm going to talk about family dynamics.
It's a sensitive topic and forgive me if
I push some red buttons, but this is
how we learn, inshallah.
But before I talk about that topic, I'd
like every sister who is married and every
man who is married here, can you please
send a lovely text to your wife and
husband, please?
Can you just tell them?
I'll tell you what to do.
Just send them something, one thing, one thing,
one thing that you appreciate about your husband.
And brothers, send one thing that you appreciate.
No, brothers, you have to send three.
Three things that you appreciate.
That's the nature.
Brothers, they don't need too many compliments.
Sisters, for everyone, they need three.
That's that's how Allah created them.
So just, just please send them one thing
you appreciate about them.
And you know, on New Year's Eve, you're
going to have a good time tonight, inshallah.
In a halal way.
My brothers and sisters.
And those who are single, just send something
you appreciate about yourself.
Lift your self-esteem.
That you still got hope, inshallah.
Or maybe the single people can send it
to their mum.
Say, mum, dad, can you tell me one
thing you appreciate about me?
Or maybe even say something about your mum
and dad.
You know what?
Brothers who are single, send something if you
have a sister.
Send her something that you appreciate about her.
A sister, send something to your brother you
appreciate about him.
Come on, break the barrier.
Build the bridges, inshallah.
Healthy dynamics of a family.
Well, I was just talking to a young,
Akhi Ayman's little son and daughter, just at
the back.
They're so cute.
So they came into my room and I
said, what do you love about your brother?
No, first I asked the boy, what do
you love about your little sister?
And he said immediately, she's kind.
So then I asked her, what did you,
what do you love about him?
And then she said, oh no, no.
He said, she always leaves something for me.
When she eats, she thinks about me, she
leaves me something.
She's always thinking about her brother.
And I go, what do you love about
him?
And she said, he's kind to me.
And subhanallah, that was such a lovely, beautiful
thing that I heard, that I wish in
our families we can continue to do that.
In fact, you know what, if you're a
father and mother, I'd like you to get
your children, if you've got little children or
even teenagers, get them to write a nice
sign or a nice calligraphy.
They're going to hang up on the wall
in your house, in the lounge room.
And that has to say, the hadith, you
will not reach the level of paradise until
you love for your brother or sister what
you love for yourself.
Put that up.
Let your family household be about thinking about
each other.
You will not enter paradise until you love
for your brother and sister what you love
for yourself.
Let your children grow up like that.
Keep that in the front of their minds.
I begin with a verse of the Quran,
which you are all familiar with.
Allah says in surah Allah
says, O you who have believed, save yourselves
and your family from fire.
A fire which is terrible.
On it are guardians that are also harsh.
They will not disobey their lord with what
he tells them to do, and they do
as they have been commanded.
The first part of this verse, O you
who have believed, save yourselves.
Then Allah says your family.
Before we think about the hereafter, let's think
about our life here.
If we don't have a healthy upbringing and
a good healthy relationship in our families, then
we will create a worldly fire in our
own homes.
A fire mentally tormenting in our emotions, even
physically and in our relationships.
That is a fire that is an introduction
to another fire in the hereafter.
So Allah says to us, save yourself first.
You cannot have a good family dynamics and
a healthy relationship until you and me, first
of all, think about our own actions, behavior,
strengths and weaknesses, good and bad behaviors in
ourselves.
At the same time, you need to look
after yourself.
If you don't breathe, you can't help others
to breathe.
In the aeroplane, they always tell you in
the unlikely event of an accident or an
emergency, oxygen masks will fall from above you,
place them on yourselves before attending to others.
Because if you can't breathe, you can't help
your children, you can't help others.
So, in any relationship, you and I need
to know yourself and what things you need
to improve on, which means that you are
ready to also accept advice.
You are also ready to accept that you
and you make mistakes, you can apologize, you
can admit it and then you can work
on fixing it.
In fact, I will tell you brothers and
sisters, if you want to know the main
secret key to where you must start in
having a healthy relationship in your family and
a loving, happy one, begin with this, you
are a role model.
Your children and even your spouse will not
listen to lecturing from you, instructions and rules.
2% of the effect compared to the
effect that you will have on them when
you yourself are a good role model.
Hands up if you have children.
Oh, mashallah, half the audience.
Listen carefully, fathers and mothers, we complain that
our children do not obey us, but they
never fail to imitate us.
Carve that into the front of your prefrontal
cortex, right here.
They will never fail to imitate us.
If you're a father and you've watched your
son who is five, six years old and
you take off your shoes this way from
the back, your child will take off his
shoes this way from the back, the same
way, where you put them, where you place
them and then your children will look at
how mum and dad talk to each other,
how they look at each other, how they
signal to each other, how they fight and
how they reconcile.
They'll look at the tone of your voice,
not what you say, but how you say
it.
You know, you probably have witnessed this.
If you say something good, good and beneficial
to your child, but you say it in
a loud, disturbing voice, your child switches off.
And what do they remember?
They remember disturbing, harsh voice and therefore the
attitude is disturbing and harsh.
But if you can tell them something, even
if it is hurtful, meaning even if it's
something they don't want to hear, and you
say it in a calm, loving tone, they
will learn from you kindness and maybe they
will learn from you what you said.
I want you to do a little activity
with me right now.
I want you to turn to the person
next to you and I want you to
whisper anything.
Come on, just whisper.
No, no, that's not whispering, that's not whispering,
like this, hello, how are you?
And tell me how that person responds.
How did the person respond?
Hands up, if you whisper to the person
next to you and the person next to
you for no given reason also responded by
whispering.
Oh, you UK people, about half of you,
mashallah.
Have you ever been through that?
You just whisper and there's no one around
and then the other person goes, why are
we whispering?
Hands up if you've been in that situation,
all of us.
No one's around, you're in a room and
you just go, hey, do you know what
I heard the other day?
And they go, yeah, what?
There's no one around.
This reverse psychology, use it with your children
and have a house where most of the
time there's calm interactions.
You know, I've been teaching for about 20
years and one of the strategies that we've
learned from each other as teachers and colleagues,
we always complain that our students are not
behaving, they're always raising their voice.
The teacher that says to the students, quieten
down, stop talking, guess what happens?
The students raise their voice above his or
hers, then you raise your voice, what did
I say?
And the students go even higher.
But the teachers who speak says, I will
not raise my voice above this.
The next person who is talking will miss
out on the instructions and that will be
on you.
So then you repeat and you begin to
write and begin to do the instructions.
Suddenly, the students' voices go down quieter, quieter,
quieter below your voice, but you have to
be consistent.
So, it is not the disagreement through which
conflicts occur, but it is through the tone
that you disagreed with.
Do you remember that?
Okay.
And if you change the way you look
at things, the things you look at change.
Let's change our mindset and our approach.
My brothers and sisters, the family unit, the
home, the father, the mother, the children, is
the secret to the overall success and health,
righteous upbringing of our children.
And by extension, the relationship with our extended
families also plays a huge role in the
dynamics, the healthy relationship of our family, not
the school, not the school.
As teachers, a lot of the parents come
and complain and try to pin it on
the teacher and the school.
Your pedagogy is not good, your ethics are
not good, the way you run your school,
my child, I've had them, I'm paying big
bucks and you're not, you know, teaching them.
We say, hold on, hold on, hold on,
hold on.
Sixty to seventy percent of the child's behaviour,
mindset, mental health and their upbringing is from
the home.
It's from the home.
Until 13 or 14 years old, then your
child looks a little bit outside and looks
at friends and social media to learn.
If you don't catch it from the beginning,
they're going to learn it from somewhere else.
My brothers and sisters, if you are a
person, for example, who road rages, your child
will also road rage.
If you swear at people, your child will
swear at people.
If mum and dad fight, your children are
going to fight.
If you yell at your children, your children
are going to yell at each other.
If everything in your marriage is about rights
and obligations, not love and compassion and mercy,
then you will have children who will grow
up selfish and self-entitled.
Let me talk to you about something.
A religious family is a beautiful family, but
unfortunately some people take a religious mindset the
wrong way.
I see it day in day out.
How?
When you get married, Allah says, Allah
says, He created you for each other and
you are compatible for one another as humans,
man and woman, and He made between you
love and mercy.
And in order that you may find tranquility
together, in this are many signs for people
who reflect.
Mawadda, rahma, tranquility.
Did you hear in the verse saying, and
He made between you rights, responsibilities, and obligations?
If you want a contract-like relationship where
there are two people living in a room,
like a business partnership, that is void of
love and emotions between each other, then go
ahead and talk about a religious lifestyle based
on only rights and obligations.
But if you want a family built on
love, compassion, and mercy, then build a relationship
based on giving up some of your rights
from time to time and doing more than
what your religious obligation says.
If you want your children to learn that
religion and faith means that they only use
religious text when it suits them and only
when it's about your own right, then you
and your spouse display that role modeling to
your children.
But if you want a family that is
built on giving, giving, loving, compassionate, and balanced,
then teach them flexibility, giving and taking a
little bit.
When people build their homes on just, you
know, boundaries, my right, your right, this verse
Allah said this, in this hadith Allah says
that, then you're building a family of rigidity,
void of love and compassion.
Yes, Allah told us boundaries, but we use
them in times of conflict.
And in order to set a standard by
which the family can fall back on, but
otherwise build love and mercy.
Don't make your family relationship sound like this.
The husband comes up to his wife and
he goes, he sounds like this.
According to article 5 of the Marriage Act,
item 2, paragraph 2.2.2, my obligation
is only to provide you with this or
that.
And then she responds, in that case, according
to policy number 10, item 1.3, a
wife is not obliged to serve her husband
with this or that.
Is that how you want your life to
be?
A civil rights case?
Mawadda in the Quran means to give more
than what you are Islamically obliged.
To give up some of your rights, which
is your right, but because you want to
build the relationship.
To have mercy, which means that somebody deserves
to be punished, but you take it easy
on them.
You talk through it, you forgive, you pardon.
You talk through it and you talk about
your disagreements, you can express your feelings, you
can express your anger a little bit, but
be careful and have a boundary in order
to come out with a solution or at
least an understanding later on.
In Islam, for example, there's no such thing
as a silent treatment.
Everybody uses the hadith with me saying, you
can't abandon your brother more than three days.
Can you imagine a husband and wife, every
time they're upset, they're abandoning each other for
three days?
That's three quarters of your beautiful life gone.
Silent treating each other brings the shaitan and
teaches the children to also resort to just
running away from their problems.
No, you've got to face them and you've
got to deal with them together inshallah.
My brothers and sisters, so that's the first
key.
The second key in a good family is
to understand that this generation you're living in
is different to the generation you lived in.
You've got to understand that your children live
in a very different world dynamics.
Number one, you're going to understand the challenges
that your children are going through.
They are not the same as your own
challenges.
Three of the biggest challenges, forgive me if
there's little kids here, but you know the,
I'll just say in easier words, intimate relationships
between teenagers and young adults.
They go about it the wrong way.
On social media, someone contacts them and suddenly
they've got a relationship.
Next minute, your daughter comes up to you
or maybe she's not and she's going through
a mental breakdown and a heartbreak.
This person promised me this and he told
me he's going to marry me and everything
and I've shared information with them and probably
even pictures and things like that.
And now they dump me.
These are relationship problems that they have.
Social media issues, peer pressure.
Your children are not the same as what
we were brought up in.
How do you do that?
Establish a relationship with them from an early
age and let your teenager know that you
will not judge them if they talk to
you.
Involve yourself in their hobbies.
Involve yourself in their interests.
Let them know that you will not judge
them on everything.
And how do you do that?
Let them know that in our family, alhamdulillah,
there's room like a bubble that we can
talk to each other without judging one another.
And you should role model that as a
parent.
Tell your child, I'll even, you know, if
there's something I need to talk about you,
we'll make a bubble between each other and
I'll talk without you judging me.
And if you've done a mistake, show your
children how you can apologize to them and
say, you know, I make mistakes myself.
Instead of always rules, instructions, obey, Allah will
curse you if you don't listen to me.
I'll make dua against you, the anger of
your mom and dad.
Ditch all that.
They're teenagers, they're learning.
Have mercy with them.
Let them grow up with that role model.
Remember, they're learning from your behavior.
Children, take it easy on your parents.
They're going through a hard time.
It's very hard to work and provide you
and everything.
And then you say to them, it's your
duty to provide me.
I didn't ask you to bring me into
this world.
Haram.
Subhanallah.
Have a space where you can talk.
Involve yourself with their sporting.
Play with them games.
Yes, make consequences.
But then get together and talk about it
together inshallah.
So that your teenager knows that they can
talk to you.
Give them some privacy.
Brothers and sisters, boundaries are important.
In a family dynamics, the in-laws have
their rights.
The husband and wife has their rights.
The children have their rights.
Give each one their rights.
And the husband and wife should understand together.
What are the boundaries between them and their
in-laws?
What are the boundaries between them and their
relatives?
What are the boundaries between them and their
children?
And even between the husband and wife, there
are boundaries.
There's a level of privacy.
The husband does not own his wife and
all her property.
The wife does not own her husband and
all his property and his time and his
emotions and everything.
You don't own your children and everything.
Allah owns them.
We are entrusted with them.
We have authority over them.
But they are entrusted to bring them up
in that healthy environment.
So for example, some in-laws may have
a cultural, ethnical sort of strictness that the
daughter-in-law, for example, has to live
with the in-laws upon marriage.
There is a boundary.
The privacy is gone.
There could be territorial boundaries being broken.
And what happens is we start to break
the bridges between us.
So there's nothing wrong with family sitting down
and talking a little bit about boundaries in
a loving, caring manner.
And instead of having bridges broken between each
other.
So there are rights and there are boundaries,
inshallah.
And when you do have those boundaries, in
the beginning, there may be a little bit
of hardship in how you talk about them.
But if you talk about them with love
and care, and then you cover all the
negatives with positives, inshallah, people will start understanding,
okay, these are rights in Islam.
These are boundaries in Islam.
And the respect starts to grow and the
love starts to grow rather than breaking bridges
and big problems happening.
Islam has drawn out the boundaries, alhamdulillah.
But if we have mawadda, goodness with each
other, love with each other, mercy with each
other, things can be a lot better, inshallah
ta'ala.
My brothers and sisters, my time is up.
But I just wanted to conclude with the
following.
And that is, Allah subhana wa ta'ala
has built our families as the most important
unit in the world.
If your family is intact and good, if
you are intact and good as an individual,
your family will also be intact and good.
If your family is intact and good, then
the community starts to get affected.
If every family was like that, the community
becomes better.
If the community becomes better, other communities are
affected.
And then it affects the ummah.
Would you believe that?
It affects the ummah.
So it starts with the individual, the family,
the community.
And this generation, our children, they are the
next generation.
They are so precious.
But they require patience, mercy, assistance, giving and
taking, flexibility, love, listening.
And children need to honour their parents and
understand the pain they are going through and
to put themselves in their shoes.
And finally, grandparents and relatives.
They play a humongous role in our children's
lives.
My friend said to me the other day,
I asked my 15-year-old daughter, how
do you feel that your grandparents are still
alive?
She said, I feel like I belong in
this world more strongly.
I feel I'm part of a bigger community,
a bigger fraternity.
My identity is greater.
And most importantly, look around you, brothers and
sisters.
This is our beautiful community.
This is our beautiful identity.
I want you young people to look and
see.
These are your brothers and sisters.
And many of you, inshallah, will become leaders.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala preserve you,
protect you, and protect our Muslim ummah everywhere
around the world.
And may Allah protect and relieve the pain
of all those who are struggling around the
world, Muslim and non-Muslim, and guide them
to that which pleases Him.
Brothers and sisters, love your families.
Go and nurture it and have a good
time with them before the time runs out.
Wassalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.